In an age when people don't have enough time for each other, it is becoming increasingly clear that we actually need to spend more time with family, friends and neighbours, especially with children around.Bhakti Bapat tells you all about the need for a healthy support system for your baby, and how to get it.
Hillary Clinton said it best, "It takes a village." At an age when people hardly have time to spend with family, leave alone with extended family, friends and neighbours, it is becoming increasingly clear that we actually need to spend more time together, creating a solid support system. This becomes especially true when children come into the picture.
Says child psychologist Dr Sulata Shenoy, "When raised within a large support system, a child is able to observe multiple behaviours, which helps develop the child's social skills. The child will learn to feel secure in relationships other than those confined to parents alone. This will help the child trust and relate to people as he/she is growing up." The ideal support system for your baby would include closest family relations and extended family, relatives, friends, neighbours and care givers.
Benefits of a support system
Some scientists say chances of a mother suffering from post-partum depression reduce drastically when there is a support system of family, extended family, friends or neighbours. Says Dr Shenoy, "Even if a young mother has not been clinically diagnosed for post-partum depression, she may feel overwhelmed and anxious about handling the infant immediately after birth.
A lot of mothers are not fully prepared for the kind of demands the infant will make on their time and energy. It certainly helps if there is a strong support system of family and friends to help at this critical time."
A support system offers a new mother a little time for herself. Even a short nap for a new mother goes a long way, especially when she is secure in the knowledge that her baby is in loving hands. And a healthy mother is more likely to raise a healthy baby. Whereas, a tired and stressed out mother is more likely to be unable to fully meet all of an infant's needs.
Having a good support system early on is also a healthy way to help your child be more sociable and learn how to navigate relationships. However, a caveat here is to change your approach to suit your baby's natural style. While your baby's natural style may not be fully visible for a few more years, check your baby's body language carefully and go accordingly. If your baby seems overwhelmed around people, you need to go slow in initiating your baby into company. In time, your baby will feel secure enough to cherish the attention and affection showered by family and friends.
On a more serious note, it makes sense to remember that life can be very unpredictable. In the extreme chance of your baby losing one or both its parents, if your baby has already be raised within a large support system, not only will baby's transition to a different life be made easier, there will also be more people to help out. Also, if there is a time of illnesses or accidents, your child will not suddenly experience a feeling of being alone and helpless.
Having a support system of grandparents is great for both baby and grandparents. While grandparents get to play with and teach their grandchild and find a new direction to their lives, your baby benefits from the unconditional love, wisdom, experience and loyal support of grand-mum and grand-dad. Uncles and aunts too bring a unique, loving perspective to a child's life. Your friends and neighbours can also help out in times of need.
Nuts & bolts
Fortunately in India, a lot of women already have their in-laws or parents with them during the crucial first few months after child-birth. So, a basic support system is usually already in place. Even so, there are some, who for geographical or other reasons may not have as much time with their extended family as they would like.
In such a scenario, technology can be a great help. Regularly emailing or sending photographs about your child's development with your far-away loved ones not only gives you the pleasure of wonderful conversations over shared sights, but also helps make the faraway grandparent, uncle or aunt feel much more involved and clued-in. Taking videos of that first roll or crawl, and sharing them is another great way to keep your loved ones aware and involved with what's happening in your little bundle's life. Most mobile cameras today have a video function.
Else, you can keep a digi-cam or a camcorder handy. YouTube lets you upload and share videos with a private setting that only lets people you send the link watch the video. Alternatively, use a webcam, computer and have a video call with your faraway loved ones. It's real-time and fun!
On the other hand, if you have your parents, in-laws or grandparents helping out with the baby, remember to take their age and health into account and not expect too much. If one or all of them are too old or not enjoying good health, then consider hiring a nanny for a few hours every day. This way, your baby gets to enjoy the love of grandparents without tiring them out too much in the bargain, while you get some me-time too. If a nanny is not an option, ensure you rest when your baby is with its grandparents. Even a couple of hours of me-time can go a long way.
Work out the economics and other dynamics of the situation. If after the first few months you decide to get back to work for economic or other reasons, put a system in place. Will your parents and in-laws take turns to travel and be with the baby, while you hire a day-time nanny? Will your husband and you take turns to take up the "night-duty"? In addition, when beginning work, try to negotiate for flexible hours or work-from-home days.
In some cases, organisations will give you these options, but for less pay. In other cases, you may decide to take up freelancing or consulting opportunities instead of a full-time job. This will, at least in the beginning, mean less total monthly income, but with a few adjustments, you can make it work.
Find friends and neighbours to have play dates with. Or, offer to baby-sit for friends when they are busy. Dr Shenoy adds, "Remember the golden rule of do unto others. Reach out to more people and widen your social network. Help others so that when your turn comes, people will be more than willing to help you."
Take the lead
Hillary Clinton's best-selling book "It takes a village" supposedly borrowed the title from an African proverb that goes "It takes a village to raise a child". In the book, Clinton says that whether we like it or not, children are not just raised by their parents, but also by the society in which they grow up. It is therefore imperative that we be proactive and do our best to create a child-friendly society and laws.
As a corollary, parents need to be proactive while initiating children into society. As a start, this would mean slowly letting in your friends and neighbours into your baby's life, making sure the experience stays positive for both the baby and the friends. While your friends and neighbours will eventually get involved in your baby's life one way or the other, if you take charge of the process, you are likely to get a more positive result.
As an example, when friends and relatives come over, help them play with the baby when your baby seems to be in a good mood. Stay around till the baby gets more comfortable around the visitors; don't rush into the kitchen. If your baby gets cranky and needs to be fed or wants to sleep, explain to your visitors that the child will be more receptive to their affection once he or she is satiated or has had a good nap.
Remember that the success of a support system depends on your efforts. Make the creation of a healthy and solid support system for your baby a priority. Once you decide that this is necessary and that you will make it work, making adjustments will be much easier. And make no mistake. The road is full of adjustments and compromises:
* Most experienced parents and counsellors will tell you that parenting is all about improvising, being happy about every small victory and taking the occasional slip-up in your stride.
Finally, remember the serenity prayer, which seems tailor-made for the first-time Mom: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
Make a support system for your
baby a priority:
*Once you are dedicated to the cause, making adjustments will be easier.
* Go easy on yourself and your loved ones. Despite your best efforts, there are bound to be some slip-ups.
* Widen your social circle. Be there for others and they will be there for you.
Let technology save the day if
your extended family is away:
* Email pictures of your baby regularly.
* Upload and share videos of special moments.
* Have a real-time video call with faraway relatives.
Take charge of your baby's social life:
* Introduce your baby to visitors when baby is in a good mood. Feed the baby first or make sure he/she has had a good nap.
* Wait with the baby till the baby feels more comfortable around visitors. Don't rush into the kitchen.
* Watch your baby's body language carefully. If the baby seems to be getting overwhelmed with all the attention, gently take the baby back to its mother.
*When the baby is old enough to go out, start taking the baby out daily. A good stroller can be very handy. Once your baby starts seeing other children and adults more often, he or she is more likely to want to play and mingle with them.
*Above all, tailor your methods to suit your baby's natural style. If your baby seems to be overwhelmed around people, go slow. If your baby thrives in company, make sure you offer enough opportunities for baby to mingle.