Rachna Bisht- Rawat suggests New Year resolutions to some of television's most unwanted stars to make watching the telly a pleasurable experience for us in 2013.
Alright folks! It's that time of the year once again when we catch up with television celebs who made us get up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, reliving their terrible shows in our nightmares. So, gather those rotten eggs and get ready to fling them at TV's most unwanted — the guys who made us grind our teeth in cold rage, pull out our hair in frustration and nearly drove us to commit suicide by banging our heads against our television sets.
Here are TV's most unwanted of 2012, and some new year resolutions we would like to see them make:
Arnab Goswami — The guy who couldn't be Superman (it can now be told that he was sent back from auditions for insisting (rather loudly) that he would be called Clark Can and not Clark Kent)
New Year resolution: "I will not scream at people demanding 'ANSWERS'."
Arnab uses his TV show to vent out all the frustration that has built up inside him for not being able to fulfil his childhood dream of wearing his underwear on top of his slacks and flying across the planet battling evil. The man 'who still hasn't found what he's looking for' now wears a frown, a suit, nau nambar ke chashme, and has become a crusader for Planet India. Arnab's modus operandi while dealing with villains is to invite them on his show, distract them by violently waving papers in their faces (shrewdly claiming they are CAG/ CBI/ other-terribly-serious-sounding reports), while fixing them with a hypnotic stare. While they are thus distracted, he suddenly shouts: "I WANT ANSWERS" in their ears and converts them into quivering masses of jelly. It has been reliably learnt that the channel has a doctor-on-call facility. A world-renowned ENT specialist attends to panelists, many of who go back with eardrum damage and temporary loss of hearing. Some serious cases have even had to be hospitalised with painfully damaged vocal chords after they tried to outshout Arnab (though unsuccessfully).
Karan Thapar — The anchor who feels it is his duty to be obnoxiously rude to guests.
New Year resolution: "I shall make peace with the devil within, loosen my tie, and retire."
There have been serious discussions in secret circles (in hushed whispers) that Karan Thapar is not the Devil's Advocate, but the devil himself. Those who know claim that he is, in fact, a 500-year-old vampire who has attained eternal youth by feeding on humans. And that he sleeps in an old creaky wooden casket in the day time and walks into the CNN IBN newsroom only around 9.30 pm, thirsting for human blood. Karan Thapar scowls when he should smile and growls when he should speak and since physical violence is not permitted on national television, he orally drags his interviewee across sharp, craggy-edged blades of broken glass till they bleed and scream for mercy. We want a break from Count Karan who has been showing us the dark, murky journalist-eats-whoever's-sitting-across-him side of the world ever since he managed to slink into a TV studio on a moonless night. Please retire, Karan, and go back to that old castle in Transylvania where you came from.
Salman Khan — The actor who has made a commitment to bore viewers to death. And we all know that when he makes a commitment, woh apne aap ki bhi nahin sunta.
New Year resolution: "I will not come to the Big Boss show with ants in my pants."
Salman Khan has been showing up for the Big Boss show in pants so tight that fans have been wondering if they belong to sis-in-law Malaika and have landed in his wardrobe in a family dhobi goof up. The result is that, in his discomfort, he twitches and twists and wriggles all over the stage, making funny whistling sounds with his eyes popping out. The saddest repercussion of this wardrobe malfunction has been that it is sprouting clones on other television shows where small-time wannabe actors have started aping the big star blindly, not understanding the real reason for his Chulbul Pande-type dance moves.
Archana Puran Singh — Who, it is said, eats Hippo crisps and people for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
New Year resolution: "I will not fake laughter at jokes that don't even merit a smile."
She is, in all probability, being paid per laugh, which is why she guffaws like a woman gassed with nitrous oxide on Comedy Circus, a show that will next season be retitled 'Tragedy Circus'. The sad old show that has run out of laughs needs to be shut down forever. The pathetic stuff that passes for comedy on the show has had viewers weeping brokenly into their hand towels. Regular watchers have also confessed to hallucinations, where they are chased by the big biceped Archana down dark alleys while she shrieks like a banshee.
Ram Kapoor — TV's fattest.
New Year resolution: "I will lose weight."
Method actor Ram Kapoor, star actor of the Ekta Kapoor serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain, has been growing larger than life in more ways than one. Kapoor confesses that he could never lose the weight he put on many years back to audition for the football's role in Bend it like Beckham. Last heard, Ram Kapoor had to be bumped off the serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain since he had become so big that he could no longer fit into the small screen.
Smriti Irani — Well, if you still want to know, Ekta's Tulsi.
New Year resolution: "I will not appear on TV, even on talk shows."
After suffering her for what-seemed-like 50 years in the never-ending soap Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi, viewers have OD'd on Smriti Irani so badly that they don't want to see her, even on talk shows.
The two ugly, bald guys on Roadies — @#$%*&^ @#$%^$%#@
New Year resolution: "We will grow our hair long (and comb it over our faces)."
Sorry, we've forgotten your names guys, but we just don't want to see your ugly mugs anymore. If at all, you still feel the urge to strut and swear around Roadies, that crappy show on MTV, grow your hair and style it so that it falls on your faces. You guessed it right. We don't want to be reminded each time that you are just as ugly as your manners.
With that, dear readers, we come to an end of this year's list. For all those celebs like Barkha Dutt, Sakshi Tanwar, Ranvijay, etc, who tried so hard to be TV's most unwanted but couldn't make it to this list, we'd like to say — hey, don't go wiping your noses with your designer dress sleeves, there shall be a next time. You're all downright pathetic, but we only had space for so many. So keep doing what you're doing and you'll surely make it to this list soon. All the best for next year. May the worst win.
Alright folks! It's that time of the year once again when we catch up with television celebs who made us get up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, reliving their terrible shows in our nightmares. So, gather those rotten eggs and get ready to fling them at TV's most unwanted — the guys who made us grind our teeth in cold rage, pull out our hair in frustration and nearly drove us to commit suicide by banging our heads against our television sets.
Here are TV's most unwanted of 2012, and some new year resolutions we would like to see them make:
Arnab Goswami — The guy who couldn't be Superman (it can now be told that he was sent back from auditions for insisting (rather loudly) that he would be called Clark Can and not Clark Kent)
New Year resolution: "I will not scream at people demanding 'ANSWERS'."
Arnab uses his TV show to vent out all the frustration that has built up inside him for not being able to fulfil his childhood dream of wearing his underwear on top of his slacks and flying across the planet battling evil. The man 'who still hasn't found what he's looking for' now wears a frown, a suit, nau nambar ke chashme, and has become a crusader for Planet India. Arnab's modus operandi while dealing with villains is to invite them on his show, distract them by violently waving papers in their faces (shrewdly claiming they are CAG/ CBI/ other-terribly-serious-sounding reports), while fixing them with a hypnotic stare. While they are thus distracted, he suddenly shouts: "I WANT ANSWERS" in their ears and converts them into quivering masses of jelly. It has been reliably learnt that the channel has a doctor-on-call facility. A world-renowned ENT specialist attends to panelists, many of who go back with eardrum damage and temporary loss of hearing. Some serious cases have even had to be hospitalised with painfully damaged vocal chords after they tried to outshout Arnab (though unsuccessfully).
Karan Thapar — The anchor who feels it is his duty to be obnoxiously rude to guests.
New Year resolution: "I shall make peace with the devil within, loosen my tie, and retire."
There have been serious discussions in secret circles (in hushed whispers) that Karan Thapar is not the Devil's Advocate, but the devil himself. Those who know claim that he is, in fact, a 500-year-old vampire who has attained eternal youth by feeding on humans. And that he sleeps in an old creaky wooden casket in the day time and walks into the CNN IBN newsroom only around 9.30 pm, thirsting for human blood. Karan Thapar scowls when he should smile and growls when he should speak and since physical violence is not permitted on national television, he orally drags his interviewee across sharp, craggy-edged blades of broken glass till they bleed and scream for mercy. We want a break from Count Karan who has been showing us the dark, murky journalist-eats-whoever's-sitting-across-him side of the world ever since he managed to slink into a TV studio on a moonless night. Please retire, Karan, and go back to that old castle in Transylvania where you came from.
Salman Khan — The actor who has made a commitment to bore viewers to death. And we all know that when he makes a commitment, woh apne aap ki bhi nahin sunta.
New Year resolution: "I will not come to the Big Boss show with ants in my pants."
Salman Khan has been showing up for the Big Boss show in pants so tight that fans have been wondering if they belong to sis-in-law Malaika and have landed in his wardrobe in a family dhobi goof up. The result is that, in his discomfort, he twitches and twists and wriggles all over the stage, making funny whistling sounds with his eyes popping out. The saddest repercussion of this wardrobe malfunction has been that it is sprouting clones on other television shows where small-time wannabe actors have started aping the big star blindly, not understanding the real reason for his Chulbul Pande-type dance moves.
Archana Puran Singh — Who, it is said, eats Hippo crisps and people for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
New Year resolution: "I will not fake laughter at jokes that don't even merit a smile."
She is, in all probability, being paid per laugh, which is why she guffaws like a woman gassed with nitrous oxide on Comedy Circus, a show that will next season be retitled 'Tragedy Circus'. The sad old show that has run out of laughs needs to be shut down forever. The pathetic stuff that passes for comedy on the show has had viewers weeping brokenly into their hand towels. Regular watchers have also confessed to hallucinations, where they are chased by the big biceped Archana down dark alleys while she shrieks like a banshee.
Ram Kapoor — TV's fattest.
New Year resolution: "I will lose weight."
Method actor Ram Kapoor, star actor of the Ekta Kapoor serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain, has been growing larger than life in more ways than one. Kapoor confesses that he could never lose the weight he put on many years back to audition for the football's role in Bend it like Beckham. Last heard, Ram Kapoor had to be bumped off the serial Bade Acche Lagte Hain since he had become so big that he could no longer fit into the small screen.
Smriti Irani — Well, if you still want to know, Ekta's Tulsi.
New Year resolution: "I will not appear on TV, even on talk shows."
After suffering her for what-seemed-like 50 years in the never-ending soap Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi, viewers have OD'd on Smriti Irani so badly that they don't want to see her, even on talk shows.
The two ugly, bald guys on Roadies — @#$%*&^ @#$%^$%#@
New Year resolution: "We will grow our hair long (and comb it over our faces)."
Sorry, we've forgotten your names guys, but we just don't want to see your ugly mugs anymore. If at all, you still feel the urge to strut and swear around Roadies, that crappy show on MTV, grow your hair and style it so that it falls on your faces. You guessed it right. We don't want to be reminded each time that you are just as ugly as your manners.
With that, dear readers, we come to an end of this year's list. For all those celebs like Barkha Dutt, Sakshi Tanwar, Ranvijay, etc, who tried so hard to be TV's most unwanted but couldn't make it to this list, we'd like to say — hey, don't go wiping your noses with your designer dress sleeves, there shall be a next time. You're all downright pathetic, but we only had space for so many. So keep doing what you're doing and you'll surely make it to this list soon. All the best for next year. May the worst win.